Thank you autosave for not saving my work.
Rewriting what used to be in this post I worked with tcpdump at Matt's recommendation and wireshark. I was trying to monitor packets going XO->ejabberd->XO. That didn't work though since they didn't communicate through it. I used wireshark to find that part out... I also found there is a CLI version of wireshark called tshark incase you want more than tcpdump but have no GUI.
On the flip side I tested Luke's patch for gasp in Lucid and it works fine.